Cancer SUCKS!

Monday morning we had a follow up meeting with Dr. Pene accompanied by blood work.  Shad had scans on July 5th, so this appointment was mainly to get the results of his scans.  Every time we go in they check his alpha fetoprotein, this is one of the main markers for his kind of cancer.  The only time that number goes up is if there is cancer, if you are pregnant, or sometimes with liver problems.  Normal is under 10 or so.  Dr. Pene let us know that the AFP they did the day of his scans was a 9 which is no worry.  Also he let us know that he was NED (no evidence of disease).  We were of course ecstatic and left feeling so grateful, and so blessed.  Trevor went back to work, and Shad and I went shopping and out to lunch.  We stayed downtown until Trevor was done, so we could take him home and he wouldn't have to ride the trolley and his bike.

That evening, I found out that a friends daughter, Abigail, had passed away after her cancer (neuroblastoma) relapsed in December.  They fought so hard for her, and it was so sad to see her lose her battle.  She was barely 4 years old.  These are the people that put on the run we participated in in February.  I have been closely following their story since then, and they are such amazing examples.  They never lost hope or faith as they watched their daughter suffer.  The mom wrote a post on their care page that talked about how hope changes.  It really touched me the first time I read it, and I have contemplated it often.  She said (I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her)"But we haven't lost hope.  Hope just changes.  It can morph from hoping for a cure, to hoping for a quality of life, to hoping for a peaceful passing.  Hope is only shattered when you hold on to one particular option, and another option happens." I was very sad that night, it doesn't seem fair that someone so young should die.  I am grateful for their example, and for the knowledge that I have that death is not the end.  It definitely makes things like this easier.

Tuesday morning was a normal morning, several bowls of Lucky Charms for the boy, an episode or 2 of Mickey Mouse, fighting Storm Troopers and Darth Vader, and then getting dressed for preschool.  He loves preschool, he loves being with friends, he loves learning.  He has wanted to go back since he got sick, and I am glad that he gets to now.  After dropping him off I headed to my YW presidency/advisor planning meeting.  It was great, I love all of the ladies that I am serving with, and talking with them about how to best meet the needs of our girls was amazing.

I rushed out of the meeting at 12:05 to make sure that I had plenty of time to get Shad from preschool.  As I was driving the phone rang and I noticed it was from the hospital.  I decided that I better answer it, because I thought it could be important.  I put it on speaker phone, and heard, "Mrs. Smith?" "Yes" I replied.  It was Dr. Pene.  He was straight to the point (something I really like about him), and said that Shad's alpha fetoprotein had gone up to 55, this was obviously a big jump from only two weeks ago.  He went on to say "This most likely means the cancer is back."  I acknowledged him, trying to keep from crying.  He went on to say that he is leaving town on Friday, so he wanted to get things going right away.  He told me that he had gone back over all of his scans from the 5th and still couldn't see anything.  He said we were going to approach things on a scan by scan basis, and wanted to start with a ct scan which Shad could be awake for.  He asked if he could give me a number to schedule a ct scan at which point I told him I couldn't actually write it down at that moment because I was driving.  He agreed to call me back with the number in about 10 minutes, once I reached my destination.  He then ended with a quick please drive carefully, and I am pretty sure that he felt bad for delivering this news whilst I was on the road.  I promised I would, hung up, and then began crying.  After a few deep breaths I was back under control for the moment.  I wanted, no needed, to tell someone, but Trevor was unreachable at the time, so I called my mom.  Luckily they were in a spot between Cameron and Flagstaff that actually received decent cell service, so I was able to talk to her for a couple of minutes.  I told her what Dr. Pene had said, and she asked what she could do.  I told her nothing right then, I just really needed to tell someone.  We talked for a minute, and then hung up.  I put on my happy face and went in and picked Shad up from preschool.  I let the teacher know I wasn't sure if he would be there on Thursday and the reason, she asked if she could give me a hug, and then let me know that she would be praying for him.  I got Shad, and we went back and got all buckled into the car.  I waited for Dr. Pene's call, and then headed to therapy.  Along the way I was crying a little bit.  I thought I was being discreet, silent crying, but with tears, when Shad asked why I had those tears on my face.  I said that I was sad, and he of course asked why.  I debated what I should tell him.  I didn't know how he would react to the news, or if he would even understand, but I didn't want to lie either.  I told him that I was sad because of what Dr. Pene had told me.  He asked what he told me.  I said that Dr. Pene thought that his cancer might have come back.  He said, oh so that ball inside me is back.  I said, yep we think so, and he said so that makes you sad.  I said yes, and he said, because mommies are sad when their little boys are sick?  I said yes again, and then he said, well I'm not sad.  The thing is, is he's not.  I am pretty sure that in his mind cancer is an adventure, and he finds life without all the doctor visits rather boring.

I texted Trevor once we got to therapy to let him know that I needed him to call me when he got a chance.  It was Shad's last day of occupational therapy.  Ms. Patricia wanted to see how his writing/drawing skills were getting, so she asked him to draw a picture of him, and then walked away.  He worked for a few minutes and then said he was done.  I was very impressed with the picture he had drawn.  He has come so far!  She said that she would hang it on her wall to remember him since he had done such a good job.

The rest of the day is just kind of a blur.  I talked to Trevor and told him the news while he was still at work, and then mostly just waited for him to come home.  I wanted something mindless to do, so I basically searched pinterest all night while watching the bachelorette (don't judge).

We were able to schedule Shad's ct scan for today, thankfully, so we ended up spending most of our day at the hospital.  Trevor couldn't get off work, but luckily Janaya was nice enough to come with us. He also had a previously scheduled audiology appointment, so we got that done also.  Everything is still looking good with his ears.  We will get the results of the scan tomorrow, and go from there.  Hopefully we will be able to get some questions answered.  It was a long day for him though, and he was out as soon as we were in the car.

This is kind of a downer post, but finding out that your child has cancer (for the 2nd time) is kind of a downer.  However, we are still very hopeful, right now hopeful that since they caught it so quickly we will be able to get rid of it easily.  We also still feel so grateful to have the gospel to help us through these difficult times.  Here is a quote that I used in my young women lesson on Sunday that I loved.  It is from the talk "The Power of Covenants" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson.
"All this is not to say that life in the covenant is free of challenge or that the obedient soul should be surprised if disappointments or even disasters interrupt his peace...This brings us to a second way in which our covenants supply strength - they produce the faith necessary to persevere and to do all things that are expedient in the Lord.  Our willingness to take upon us the name of Christ and keep his commandments requires a degree of faith, but as we honor our covenants, that faith expands....come what may, we can face life with hope and equanimity (Mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, esp. in a difficult situation).  We would really appreciate your prayers as we continue on with this journey.