Inner Peace

This was originally a post that I began to write in April, it had been in my heart since November, and as I started writing, the words literally rushed out, I couldn't type fast enough, until suddenly, they stopped.  There was nothing left.  I filed it away as a draft, fully intending to come back to it at a later point, to finish it, and to post it.  That time never really came, until now.  When we were told Shad's cancer was back I realized that the sense of peace I had felt the first time wasn't there.  I began actively searching for the same sense of peace.  As I was searching, my mind reflected back upon this unfinished post.  I pulled it up on the screen and read through it and immediately the peace rushed back over me.  The original post is still unfinished, I still have no words to finish it, but I realize now it wasn't meant to be finished, our journey isn't finished.    The following is that original post:

From the very beginning of Shad's cancer diagnosis I have had this calm peaceful feeling.  In my mind I call it inner peace...I picture that part from Kung Fu Panda 2 when Po is finally able to come to terms with his past and feel peace, the Peacock is shooting the cannon balls at him as fast as he can, and he  catches them and throws them back.  That's kind of how this journey has been.  One thing after another has been thrown at us... scary things that could have destroyed us if we had let them.  But, we didn't let them, we caught them and threw them away in a sense.  Sometimes they left a mark, and sometimes they threw us around a bit first, but peace was always able to prevail in the end.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ-DypRhHj8 

Being pulled in a room by myself to be told that my child had cancer... this first diagnosis was pretty bad, but I think I had prepared myself for it.  Call it mother's intuition, being a hypochondriac, paranoia or whatever you want, but I already had a feeling that my child was pretty sick, and cancer was one of the first things that came to my mind.  When the doctor told me that fateful day, he was only confirming what my heart already knew, and because of that I was able to already feel calm about it.  Don't get me wrong I cried, I was scared, but at the same time I knew that things were going to be okay.  Okay might mean that he beat the cancer and went on to live a happy, complete life.  Okay might mean that he beat it only to have it come back at some later point.  Okay might even mean that he couldn't beat the terrible disease and would die.  Somehow I knew that no matter what happened everything would be okay. 

On to day two, the doctors sedated Shad and took him to do an extensive round of tests.  They wanted to see exactly where the cancer was and wasn't.  Trevor, Casey and I were sitting in his room waiting for him to return when Dr. Clue came in to let us know that it was in his back, compressing his spinal cord, and he was going to do emergency surgery.  He let us know that it might be too late, and Shad wouldn't be able to walk again, among other things.  As any dreams that we had for him began to fly out the window, the peace I had been feeling tried to go right along with them.  Then, the doctor told us  that he had children at home and with those simple words the peace came flooding back.  I can't really explain it, but somehow that simple statement brought comfort and I knew that he was going to do the very best he possibly could (I know that someone without kids would have done their best as well, but this is what comforted me in that moment).
Once the results of the MRI came, we found out that Shad had been having trouble going to the bathroom because his urethra was blocked by the mass, and were told that the nerves may have been damaged, and he may never be able to go to the bathroom on his own again.  This wasn't the worst discovery for me...people can survive with permanent catheters.  There was still a little bit of fear about our sweet boy possibly being teased or excluded once other kids found out, especially as he got older, but the peace came this time in the realization that it might be hard, but he could survive.
Then, the waiting game began.  We waited to find out what kind of cancer Shad had.  We waited to see if he would be able to walk.  We waited to get a brace so we could get him out of bed.  We waited to see if he would begin to pee out of his penis.  We waited to start chemotherapy, we waited and waited and waited.  

It is as if  Heavenly Father knew that I would need to be reminded of how I felt in those first few moments at some future point in time.  That time is now.  I am so grateful that I followed the promptings of the spirit to write these thoughts down, because they have made a difference in my life today.  It helps to realize that when things looked so bleak, I felt peace, and I know that I can feel it again.  I do feel it again.  I feel prompted to post it, even though unfinished, maybe someone who reads it needs the same reminder.  The Savior is aware of our trials, he loves each of us.  We can have peace in our lives, no matter what happens, if we trust in him and seek to follow the commandments.  I will leave you with the following quote from Elder Quentin L. Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness.  "Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep his commandments, even and especially amid life's devastating trials and tragedies."